


On Notice

by Moonflower999



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Drabble, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-11-14 06:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11202360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonflower999/pseuds/Moonflower999
Summary: Merlin wants children and Arthur does not.





	1. On Notice

**Author's Note:**

> This is partly based on real life, in a way--sort of.
> 
> I'd love to hear from you if you are up for commenting! 
> 
> I have marked this as complete, but I may continue to add to it.

“Arthur, what’s wrong? You seem so uncomfortable.”

“I came across your dating profile and fell into reading it again. I—well-- I guess I hadn’t read it so carefully before,” Arthur said quietly, avoiding Merlin’s eyes.

“My profile? It’s not like I had any deep dark secrets. What’s bothering you?” prodded Merlin.

“Well, it says, very clearly actually---it says that you want children,” replied Arthur.  
Arthur lifted his eyes to Merlin and took his hand. 

Merlin bit his lip, then finally said, “And I gather you don’t?”

Arthur shook his head sadly. His eyes were wet with unshed tears. He looked so upset that Merlin, stunned as he was, placed his arm around his shoulders, drew Arthur’s head down to his own shoulder, and kissed the top of Arthur’s head.

Arthur spoke quietly, “I feel like I’ve found and lost the love of my life in just a few short months.”  
Merlin gently removed his arm from Arthur’s shoulders. They angled towards each other, knee to knee, holding each others’ hands. 

Merlin shook his head in disbelief. “Arthur, maybe—I can—I dunno…”

“No, love,” said Arthur, “Don’t even say it. Raising a child is not something I could ever ask you to give up for me. You will be an amazing parent, and I’m afraid that you would resent me forever if you didn’t get to do that because of me.”

Merlin turned his head to hide his own tears. Took a deep breath and turned back to face Arthur. “What are we going to do? I can’t give you up.”

“I have no idea,” answered Arthur, pulling Merlin close. “I have no idea, because I can’t give you up either. I suppose we should both just turn around and walk away before we cause each other more misery, but I just can’t do it.”

Merlin lifted his hand to Arthur’s cheek and wiped away a tear, then pulled Arthur towards him and kissed him soundly. “Let’s just be together then. Since neither one of us can imagine walking away, let’s just be together, and see where this takes us. This time we’ve had together, short as it’s been---well, it’s like you said, I feel like I’ve found the love of my life, the other side of my coin—and I haven’t lost you yet, so let’s hold on while we can and try to find some trust that things will work out for us.”

As they lay in bed that night, Merlin cuddled up close to Arthur. 

“Arthur, are you asleep?”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” said Arthur, yawning and moving up on the pillows a bit so that he could get his arm around Merlin.

“I was wondering—Please don’t take this as pressure, or me trying to change your mind—I mean, I’d like to understand why you don’t want to be a parent. You don’t seem to hate kids or anything, so I was just wondering why you feel what you feel about it. I mean if you don’t mind telling me. I hope it’s ok to ask.”

Arthur sighed. “Of course it’s ok. It’s hard, but there’s no way we can even try to get through this if we can’t talk about it.” Arthur sat up further, leaning against the headboard, and pulling Merlin up against his chest. “I guess I think about all the things we won’t be able to do. And my father was always annoyed by us. I felt like a rock around his neck. Half the time he pushed us off on nannies and baby sitters. And when he was with us, I just felt like he thought I was a nuisance. I’d look forward to seeing him, and then within moments, I’d just want to be anywhere else. Sometimes I still feel like that with him.”

Merlin pulled himself up further and turned to take Arthur into his arms. “I can’t imagine how hard that was. Every child deserves to have someone who makes them feel like the light of their life. I’m so sorry you never got that. I bet you were the most amazing, adorable little kid ever.”

“Maybe,” said Arthur. “But I felt like a big mistake. What if I had a child and couldn’t love it any more for it than my father loved me?”

“No,” Merlin said, “I find that impossible to even imagine. You’ve got a huge heart.”

“I don’t know, sweet heart. I don’t trust myself.”

Merlin nodded his head. “I can see that, and you know what, maybe that’s not a bad thing. I mean, I guess it’s hard to know how the stuff we grew up with is going to affect us. Listen, I’m not trying to pressure you—but if you decide that maybe you could consider it—well, maybe you could try therapy. And if you ever did decide to do it, and you didn’t like the way you were acting, that would always be an option. And I’d be here to whip some sense into you.”

“Hmmm,” said Arthur, nuzzling into Merlin’s neck.

Merlin pushed Arthur down back on the bed, and said, “You sound way too intrigued by that!” What followed was somewhere between an attempted seduction and a tickle war.

“Uncle! Uncle!” cried Arthur. Merlin stopped tickling him, and they settled back into the bed. “Um, I guess since it’s true confessions time, I should admit everything,” said Arthur.

“Anything you want to tell me. I want to know everything about you,” said Merlin.

“Since the day I came out to him when I was fifteen, my father has been on my case. In short, I can’t be gay because he wants grandchildren, heirs to the empire, etc. He has never accepted me, never been willing to meet anyone I have dated, pressured me into dating women, and made me feel like the ultimate disappointment.” 

Arthur got out of bed and began to pace around the room. “To be honest, whenever I think about kids, all I can think is ‘fuck him’. Fuck that. He didn’t have the time of day for me for most of my childhood, and now he wants me to deny my own sexuality, and give up my chance for happiness so I can get some woman I can never love pregnant—just to give him grandchildren. And then, if I did have a kid, well, that’s a lose-lose situation too. Either I watch him ignore his own grandchild, just as he ignored me, or I get to see him give all the love and attention he never gave me to someone else. Ugh. It just—the whole thing just seems like a horrible trap.”

Merlin stood, and wrapped his arms around Arthur. “Thank you so much for being so open with me. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am not going to pressure you, but I want you to know that if we did have children, that would never, ever happen. I’m here now. You never had the love and protection you should have had, but I love you like mad, and—well, you will just have to meet my mother. She’s the sweetest, kindest, gentlest thing—until you mess with her cub. I know that I would be that kind of dad—so no way is your father going to mess with anyone I love—not any possible future child, and certainly not my beloved man. So, one way or another, I will be meeting Uther Pendragon, and putting him on notice. And in the meantime, I’m going to love you so good that you won’t even dream of ever putting up with that shit from anyone ever again. Not even your father. Do you hear me?” asked Merlin, holding Arthur's face in his hands and holding his gaze.

Somewhat stunned, Arthur could only nod. Merlin pulled him back into bed and held him tightly.


	2. Dissuasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation about parenting continues....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted separately from the other chapters of "On Notice".

“You know, if we had a kid it would be years before we could go out for dinner like this again,” said Arthur, taking Merlin’s hand from the table, and looking deeply into his eyes.

“Actually Arthur, that’s not true. I’ve known people with kids who bring them everywhere, and the kids learn how to behave in different settings. That’s the way I would want to raise a kid. In university I had a professor who wore her baby in a sling while lecturing the class. I'm not sure, but I think she might have even been breast-feeding while she was lecturing!”

“Well, it would be years before we could go to the movies,” argued Arthur.

“Yeah, maybe, I mean, she might sleep through movies. Anyway, so what? Everything is on DVD so quick, and it’s cheaper and more relaxing to hang out on the couch. I can always make you that sticky caramel popcorn you like. Plus, I’ve heard some movie theaters are having bedbug issues,” retorted Merlin.

“I’m never going to win this competition, am I?” asked Arthur.

“It’s not a competition. It’s a discussion. And whatever happens, we need to both ‘win’ it,” said Merlin, as he leaned forward, caressed Arthur’s cheek, and kissed him on the lips.


	3. Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin follows Arthur as he slams out of Uther's office and takes off at a run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also posted as a free-standing drabble.

Sanctuary

Merlin had been chatting with Arthur's assistant when he heard a door crash shut. He looked towards the massive, ostentatious doors into Uther Pendragon's office suite and caught sight of Arthur's face as he dashed from his father's office. Merlin called to him, but Arthur didn't stop. Merlin ran after him, cursing under his breath as the lift doors closed behind Arthur. He jabbed at the call button a few times and then headed for the stairwell. He ran down the stairs at full tilt, and looked wildly around the lobby, unsure of which of the two main entrances Arthur might have chosen.

"Adam, did you see Arthur Pendragon leave the building? I'm trying to catch up with him, but I'm not sure which way he went!" The security guard indicated the doors facing the park, and Merlin took off, shouting his thanks over his shoulder.

He fared no better spotting Arthur outside, and for a few moments he stood bewildered, unsure which way to turn. He pulled out his mobile and dialed Arthur, but, as he expected, the call went to voicemail. "Arthur, call me back. NOW! I'm looking all over for you, and I'm worried sick."

On a hunch, Merlin crossed over to the park, scanning the area, and headed towards a small copse of trees Arthur had shown him some months earlier.

It was hard to find privacy in a city park, but Merlin knew that as a boy, Arthur had spent many lonely weekends wandering the park while Uther worked. Arthur would play with other children until they were dragged home by their parents or nannies, and he was left alone to his own devices. When the park closed at dark, Arthur would head back to ghost around Uther’s office until Uther was ready to head home. Sometimes he thought that if he had a mum to belong to, who would sit in the park and watch him play and drag him home for supper, he’d never ever beg for even one extra minute.

Some months ago, as they walked together across the park, Arthur had become nostalgic and showed Merlin a small space—a little swath of woods between a brick wall and the back of a row of unobtrusive utility sheds where the park housed maintenance equipment. Merlin made his way past the deserted sheds, and through a small thicket. Suddenly he was in the quiet, magical place Arthur had shown him. A grove of tall pines towered overhead filtering the late afternoon sun. Merlin’s footsteps were muted by the thick covering of pine needles beneath his feet. He heard Arthur before he saw him. The nearly, but not-quite-silent, choking, heartbreaking sobs came from behind a nearby tree. Arthur sat on the ground, his head rested on the bent knees he hugged to his chest. Merlin approached quietly, whispered Arthur's name softly, and slid to the ground next to Arthur, placing his arm around his shoulders.

"Arthur. I'm here, Arthur. I'm here for you. Always." he murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Camelot Drabble prompt: "Belonging"
> 
> This is one of the first Merlin stories I wrote (but never posted), shortly after finishing the series a couple of years ago. When putting the other (very recently written) chapters together, this seemed to fit right in. 
> 
> Big thanks to dear Emrys_MK for helping me to fine tune this!


	4. Go Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uther has been emotionally abusive, and Arthur just wants to disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Camelot Drabble prompt: '500 word limit'

“Go away.”Arthur whispered.

“Do you really want that?” Merlin asked gently.

“Yes…no…I don’t know,” Arthur’s voice was muffled. His knees were bent to his chest, forehead to knees, and arms wrapped around, so that he was balled up into the smallest bundle possible. He huddled in the darkest corner of the abandoned shed, whispering so quietly that Merlin could barely hear him.

“I can’t leave you like this, Arthur,” said Merlin. “If you want, I’ll just sit over there and wait. And if you don’t want me to wait here, then I’ll sit outside the door. But I’ll be here waiting. I can’t leave you alone like this. I won’t.” 

Arthur wrapped in on himself even more tightly. It didn’t matter at that moment what Merlin did. He couldn’t even feel Merlin’s arm around him—couldn’t hear his words. I’m not here—I’m not here—I’m not here—was the mantra that ran through his head. He burrowed in even more tightly as he recalled his father’s sneer of contempt, his words, “Your mother sacrificed her life for the likes of you. She must be turning over in her grave.” I’m not here—I’m not here—I’m not here.

“I’m here for you. I’m right here. You’re not alone.” Arthur couldn’t make sense of Merlin’s words at first. I’m not here—I’m not here—I’m not here—running through his head. “I’m right here,” said Merlin, his arm around Arthur’s shoulders. “I’m right here.” Merlin slid his hand down and rested it between Arthur’s shoulder blades. Arthur gave a little gasp, and tears began to run down his face as he suddenly felt the warmth of Merlin’s touch—a lifeline, an anchor, home. “I’m right here,” Merlin repeated, “right here, love.”

Arthur let go of his knees and felt around for his handkerchief. He blew his nose, and turned into Merlin’s embrace. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t see me like this.”

Merlin tightened his arms around Arthur, “Shhh. Thank you. Thank you for letting me be here with you. Thank you for letting me in. There is nowhere I’d rather be.”

Arthur snorted incredulously through his tears. 

“I’m so sorry you were always left alone to deal with your pain. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you. I wish you had had somebody to be there for you when you were little, but I’m here now.”

At those words, Arthur started flat out bawling. Tears in his own eyes, Merlin held Arthur in his arms and murmured to him, again and again, “I’m so sorry you were so alone. I’m here now. I’m right here. You’re not alone anymore.”

Arthur cried for several minutes, and then, as his own hanky was quite saturated, he pawed at Merlin’s pocket for his. He blew his nose loudly into Merlin’s hanky, rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder and started giggling, “Some knight-in-shining-armor I am, huh?”

“You are perfect, rusty armor and all—Now,where’s that oilcan, Tinman?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: I had to stop here...500 words exactly! I was thinking about adding more giggling, because in my experience, after the harder feelings flow, we often end up laughing...and also how (in my experience also, in my relationship) emotional release/comfort sometimes leads to getting turned on, and the whole oil can spout being maybe a metaphor for...ahem...


	5. How to Win an Argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur is planning to visit Uther, and Merlin has no intention of letting him go alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was posted separately for Camelot Drabble #268 topic: "Argument"

Arthur hung up the phone to find Merlin standing there, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed around his waist. He gave Arthur a belligerent look, and then, looking off to the side, he spoke firmly, “No Arthur. Absolutely not. I will not let you go over there yourself. If I have to I will follow you and barge right in after you. That man does a fucking number on you every single time.”

Sighing, Arthur stood and approached Merlin, squeezing his shoulder to comfort him, “Merlin, I’m an adult. This is my decision. You’re off the deep end. I know you don’t believe in denying me my autonomy. You’d go crazy if I went all control-freak on you. C’mon hon, you know this isn’t you.”

Merlin sagged a bit, but his arms were still crossed tightly, and he wouldn’t meet Arthur’s eyes. “Look, of course I won’t force you, but I’m begging you. EVERY time you go over there by yourself you end up wrecked for days.”

“Merlin, he’s my father.” Arthur lifted both hands to Merlin’s tensed-up shoulders and began to rub.  
“I know that, Arthur. I do. But, I love you, and, oh for fuck’s sake—maybe I just need a kid to protect and nurture—but right now every cell in my body is screaming out with an utter need to protect you…not your big, strong, muscle-y body, but your warm, sweet, tender, loving heart. I want you to feel what it’s like to have someone stand up for you. I want you to know in your bones that your feelings and needs matter. So what? So, he is your father, but he never gave you the kind of fathering you deserved. Please, this is something I desperately want to do for you. Please let me.” Merlin dropped his arms to Arthur’s waist, and Arthur couldn’t say no to the puppy dog eyes Merlin turned his way.

“Gods help us all. I can’t say no to you,” said Arthur, pulling Merlin close.

Merlin let out a long breath, slowly calming down as they held each other close in the doorway.


	6. Lunchtime Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur has a lunchtime epiphany and wants to talk to Merlin about it.  
> Written for Camelot Drabble prompt: "Adventure"

Merlin opened the door and took Arthur’s overnight bag from his hands. Arthur wrapped his arms around his lover, while Merlin nuzzled Arthur’s neck, inhaling his scent and relaxing into his strong arms. “I love Fridays,” breathed Arthur. “I fucking love Fridays.”

“C’mon in,” urged Merlin, “I’ve missed you like crazy. It feels like a month since Monday morning.”  
Merlin led Arthur towards the sofa. Arthur plopped down, grabbing Merlin’s elbows and pulling him down so he was straddling Arthur’s thighs—one of their favorite arrangements for sharing long, slow kisses. Eventually, Merlin slid off Arthur’s lap into the seat beside him. Arthur angled towards him, resting his back against the arm of the sofa, kicking off his shoes, and throwing his legs over Merlin’s knees.

“How about we stay in tonight?” asked Merlin. “We could order from that Thai place we’ve wanted to try. You don’t look like you can move off the sofa, anyway--we could watch a movie, or catch up on Dr Who.”

Arthur reached for Merlin’s hand, and took a deep breath. “Thai sounds great, and I’m all for staying in. It took me all week to get back here—I’m in no rush to leave. But, after dinner--could we talk a bit?”

Merlin’s brow furrowed. He was very still for a moment, gazing intently at Arthur. “Is everything ok, Arthur?”

“Yes, Merlin.”

“Are you telling me the truth?”

“I am absolutely telling you the truth. Really, I swear, this is not one of those we-have-to-talk moments. It’s good, really, but I just need to settle in a bit before getting into it.”

Arthur watched as Merlin tried to hide his apprehension. “Trust me, love. Everything is alright. I promise.”

Merlin rose and leaned down to kiss the top of Arthur’s head. “I do. I really do trust you. Do you want to get out of that suit and rest a bit until the food comes?”

Shooting Merlin a grateful look, Arthur stretched right out on the sofa and closed his eyes. “Mmmph. Yeah. In a minute.”

“Wake up sleepy head,” said Merlin quietly, gently caressing Arthur’s shoulder. He continued, in soft tones, “Up and at ‘em, lazy daisy—the food is here.” Merlin waved his hand over the pad thai, wafting the smell towards Arthur. He put down the dish and took Arthur’s hand. “Let’s get you out of this suit.”

Eyes still closed, Arthur smiled, and lifting Merlin’s hand to his lips he kissed it. “Mmm. It smells great,” said Arthur, stretching and standing up. “I’ll be right back.”

Merlin lit some candles, and poured some iced coconut juice into tall glasses. Arthur returned in a t-shirt and jeans, carrying a small box tied with string. “Look what I brought!”

“Oooh. Do I dare hope—are those my favorite chocolate covered marzipans?”

Arthur grinned, handing the box to Merlin, and they settled down to dinner. After spending some time appreciating the food, and comparing it to other favorite take-outs, they packed away the leftovers and put up the kettle for tea. Arthur went to open the chocolates, but Merlin stopped him. “Those are too special to just glomp down straight out of the box,” said Merlin, arranging the hand-dipped marzipan on a pretty little china plate Arthur had never noticed before. “Thank you for going out of your way to bring me these. I know your week was pretty brutal.”

Arthur laughed, “I’d easily go twice as far to see the way your face lights up. Get us the tea and let’s talk a bit. I want to tell you about my week.”

They both settled onto the sofa. They faced each other, holding hands, with their legs crossed under them, knees touching. “I had lunch in the park on Wednesday,” he began. “It was a beautiful day, and I found a nice shady spot on one of the benches near the playground.” Arthur let go of one of Merlin’s hands and reached up to stroke his cheek. “There were several nannies in the park, a couple of moms and one dad.”

Merlin listened quietly, giving Arthur his full attention.

“There was a man sitting on a nearby bench with a picnic basket. He was tall, thin, with a dark curly mop—he reminded me of you, if a little older. A little girl kept calling to him—‘Watch me daddy, watch me!’ It was sweet, though I wondered if I’d have the patience. I noticed because I don’t often see men with their kids. More often it’s the mom.” Arthur shifted, pushing Merlin back into the corner of the sofa, he stretched out, rested his head on Merlin’s lap, and butted his head against Merlin’s hand, just like a cat looking for strokes. Merlin easily complied and began to pet his boyfriend’s lovely hair.

“A little later another man rushed over to join the little girl’s father. He apologized for being late, sat down, shifted the picnic basket over, and wrapped his arms around the first man. You know how it is. I kind of wanted to go over and say, ‘Hey, I’m gay too! So glad to see you here!’”

“You didn’t, did you?” asked Merlin.

“Well, no. You know that’s not really my style. Anyway, they were obviously enjoying their moment together. It was nice to see though. Time was, it was a lot less common for two men to feel comfortable being so open. A few minutes later, Sophie—that’s the little girl—came barreling over, and the new man had a lap full of little girl for a few moments until she ran off again, shouting, ‘Papa watch me, Daddy, watch me!’ Arthur paused, settled further into Merlin’s touch, took a deep breath, and continued. It’s funny, as much as we’ve talked about it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that they were both her dads, and that I’d never ever actually seen that before. 

Merlin fought the urge to question or comment, and just continued to stroke Arthur’s hair.

“Moments later there was some loud wailing, and both dads ran off to gather up Sophie, who had taken a spill.

“Was she ok?”asked Merlin.

“Oh yes, some cuddles and kisses, and she was off and running again. But while they were off tending to her, the pigeons had come to steal their lunch—so I went over to protect it for them.”

Merlin chuckled, “I can just see you waving your arms at the pigeons. Arthur Pendragon, protector of the lunch meats.”

Arthur poked Merlin in the side, and continued, “Yes, well, they were very grateful. They invited me to join them and we talked for a while.”

“Oh, that’s nice—making friends at the playground! Did you join them?” 

“Hrmph. If you aren’t nice to me, I’m not going to let you pet my hair anymore,” said Arthur, pushing his head against Merlin’s hand again. “Anyway, yes, I did join them. Pedro, is the one who reminded me of you, and Gil is the other one. We talked for awhile. I told them about you, of course. I ended up telling them about our situation—I mean about you being sure you want to parent, and me being not so sure.”

Merlin squirmed a tiny bit at that, finding himself a little anxious.

“They told me how Sofia came to them, how Gil had always wanted to be a dad, but Pedro wasn’t so sure. Sofia is Gil’s niece. There was no one else to take her in. Pedro said he was really conflicted for a while, during the adjustment-- but that now he wouldn’t change it for the world. He said that this is the best and greatest adventure of his lifetime. An ADVENTURE! That kind of blew my mind.”

Arthur sat up and pulled Merlin into his arms. “They gave me their number, and invited us for lunch next Saturday. They also said I should call anytime if I want to talk about this stuff more.”

“Do you want to talk about this more?” asked Merlin quietly.

“I do,” answered Arthur, into Merlin’s hair. “Merlin, I can’t say for sure yet. I can’t promise anything yet. But—I think—maybe this might be an adventure that I want to take. Not yet, not for a while. But some day. And with you. There is no one I would trust more than you. There is no one I could want to share this with as much.”

Merlin turned to face Arthur—awed, hopeful, and scared to hope. He put his hand on Arthur’s cheek, searching his eyes. Arthur mirrored his action, placing his own hand on Merlin’s cheek, and pulling in for a kiss. Forehead to Merlin’s and tears in his eyes, Arthur said, “I love you so much. Please don’t give up on me--on getting what you want from me.”

“You are what I want from you. You are what I need. Always,” whispered Merlin.


End file.
